What to do after the death of a child. How to cope with the death of a child? Advice from a psychologist. The most important thing is not to lie

How to help a child cope with the loss of a parent.

The child understands that they went to see their father in the hospital, then they stopped going, he understands that everyone is pretending: the mother cries at night, chokes her sobs into the pillow, and talks to the child with a crocodile smile, he understands all this. Psychologist Katerina Murashova talks about how a child at different ages experiences the loss of a parent, how adults can help, and what should never be done.

– How does childhood and teenage grief differ from adult grief? How does a child at different ages cope with the loss of a parent?
– It’s individual, but I don’t think it’s clearly divided by age, rather by temperament.
For example, a choleric person needs to act: in him the processes of excitation prevail over the processes of inhibition. He needs to throw out his grief: cry, run somewhere, do something. If he is told that there are rituals on this occasion, it will be a great relief for the choleric person to take part in them. It will be easier for him to survive grief if it is structured, if adults tell him what to do now.
In a phlegmatic person, on the contrary, inhibition processes predominate: he will need time and space for everything, this is very important. Time to think, accept, process what happened. Such a child will need to go somewhere, relatively speaking, sit on a willow tree over the water. A choleric person will not need this episode at any age. Driving him under the willow tree to remember his mom or dad is just as pointless as trying to stir up and distract a phlegmatic person. They have different tasks: they experience grief in accordance with their temperament and structure nervous system.
– Do children experience death differently at 3 years old, at 7 years old and at 12 years old?
- Yes. At three years old, a child does not experience death at all; he does not understand or recognize it. The fact is that only at the age of four to six, depending on the circumstances, does the first ideological crisis pass, which is marked by a terribly frightening question for parents: “Mom, are you going to die?” And from him to the following important questions: “Will I die too?”, “How will it be?”, “Where is the person now?”
During this crisis, parents must communicate their worldview model to the child. There is no need to lie. If the parents are atheists, they communicate their worldview, if Muslims - theirs, if Orthodox - theirs. At three years old, a child does not see death; for him it is disappearance. He will walk around and ask where dad is. They will tell him 10 times that dad died, here they buried him, here is the grave. Then the child will know that before dad was here, now he is in the grave. He will grieve, but about absence, not about death. And later, through this crisis of worldview, he will realize that dad, lying in the grave, turns out to be dead.
A seven-year-old child is aware of death and aware of universal mortality. The child will evaluate and experience grief exactly in accordance with the worldview given to him. If he was told that dad died and is now in heaven, he will visualize it that way. If he was told that after death a person remains only in his deeds and descendants, he will realize it this way. And he will, of course, grieve more intensely.
– How do newborns live?
– A newborn should have a significant adult who will help form basic trust in the world and in life. For example, a mother died in childbirth, it is important that the child is immediately picked up by the father, grandmother, aunt - blood relationship in this case is not so important. They will not remember anything if someone immediately took care of them, someone will just tell them later what happened. Of course, when the child is told about this, he will fantasize about this topic, imagine another life, but this will depend on his character, temperamental characteristics, but not on the very fact of the loss.

The most important thing is not to lie

– How to help a child in grief?
- Dont lie. It is most important. This does not depend on age or other circumstances. It happens that parents come to me and ask how to tell their child that dad has died. And dad died, it turns out, a month ago. The mother experienced grief without sharing it with the child. The child knows this for sure. Moreover, he knows that this was not shared with him. If this is a family grief, you definitely need to share it with the child and be close.
– It turns out that in the case of loss, it is important that the child not only experiences the grief himself, but also knows that the remaining adults share it with him?
- Certainly! The child understands that they went to see their father in the hospital, then they stopped going, he understands that everyone is pretending: the mother cries at night, chokes her sobs into the pillow, and talks to the child with a crocodile smile, he understands all this.
Sit down and share with him everything that happens. If you live a ritualistic life, then share the rituals with him. If you live a secular life, then talk to him. He doesn't have that kind of experience, but he really needs it. And this experience will stay with him for the rest of his life, he will know how to live it. This is his first loss, but most likely not his last.
– And can a mother cry next to her child? Not to go somewhere so that he doesn’t see how hurt she is?
“The child should know that the mother is grieving, that’s beyond any doubt.” But everything is good in moderation, especially if it is a very small child. If the mother is very upset and has completely abandoned the child, this is also wrong.
– They often say about children who lost a parent at the age of 3-5 that they handled the death of their mother or father very calmly: they did not cry, they did not get bored. Could this be possible? Is death really easier at a young age?
– At this age, children are practically like animals: if a baby died next to an animal, it may worry, but it does not understand what happened. For children who have not gone through a worldview crisis, death is simply the absence of a parent. There is no fundamental difference here between “dad died” and “dad went to America and no longer lives with us.”
– It turns out that at this age there is no need to even try to explain what happened? Is it enough to just be there?
- You can say that dad died. But there is no need to pedal, to try to convey the very idea of ​​death by force.

– It is believed that it takes an adult, on average, a year to recover from a loss. Do children and adolescents have the same timing?
- No, less. Children are living faster and faster. How smaller child, the less time he needs to experience grief. They recover faster, sometimes it is a matter of several months. In adolescents it depends on temperament: choleric and sanguine people always experience grief faster, phlegmatic people and melancholic people often close down and worry, worry, worry. Those who, according to their personality structure, are inclined to “chew snot” will continue to “chew snot.”
– Do I need to talk to them about what happened?
- Yes, but only if they agree to talk to you. You can offer this conversation on your own: “Every time I see these cutlets, I remember how Volodya loved them.” If the child is silent, as if he didn’t hear anything at all, it means he doesn’t want to talk. If he says: “Yes, yes, yes, every day I remember that dad came and ate them,” then you will talk. It’s wrong to ask him without saying anything about your own feelings or thoughts: “Do you, Fedya, remember your dad at all?” You can't do that.

“Get ready, my little bunny, daddy is going to die soon.”

– What other mistakes can adults make?
– The most important mistake is lying. If you haven't done this, everything else can be fixed. Lying is not only factual, lying is also when they experience one thing and demonstrate another. This is the only irreparable mistake; everything else can be worked on.
A child who has not been told for a month that his father has died will return to this throughout his life. He will remember that the first reaction was not shared with his mother. And at every sharp turn in life, he will return to this situation and come up with new and new things for himself. If they had told him: “Everything is bad, they called me, my father died,” he would have remembered it that way. And now he can come up with ideas that dad wanted to say something, that something could have been done differently. There is no way to work through this; this is the trauma that will remain with him until the end. And we don’t know how many times she will come out again.
– If this is not sudden death, but a long-term illness, oncology, for example, how to behave with the child? When should I start preparing it?

– I am a materialist, but here I have a position that echoes Orthodoxy: we don’t know how it will be. If everyone said that a person has a month to live, and during this month they will invent an experimental medicine and inject it into him, or collect money and send it to Israel, and then they will do something there and he will live another ten years? The child will have time to grow up, but they have already told him: “Get ready, my little bunny, daddy will die soon.” You know, it’s not for us to judge.
– If the doctors said that this is the terminal stage, and there are only a few days left?
- If the mother considers it necessary and if the child is big, you can ask him: “Dad is really bad, do you want to see each other?” But don't say goodbye. Only a dying person has the right to do this. If he considers it necessary to say: “My son, I feel really bad, I want to tell you, remember, never betray your friends,” he has the right to do so. But you haven't. You don’t know which meeting will be the last, no need to say this in advance.
– What if the child then grows up and says: “You knew that he would die, but you didn’t let me say goodbye to him”?
– This is exactly what you will say: we were told that this was possible and very probable, but we are not gods. This is if a sick person is in the hospital, but at home is another option. The child lives with this, he sees what is happening, he sees how everything changes. And, accordingly, he asks: “Will dad die?” And you tell him: “Perhaps. We are trying to save him and he is trying very hard to get better, but it is possible.”
– In the films they say: “Children, say goodbye to your father!”
- Yes, there is such a tradition. But remember, there, as a rule, it is the person himself who says: “Bring my children to me to say goodbye.” You are not the judge, he himself, the dying one, can do something, or God, if He exists.
– Should I take my child to the funeral?
– It depends on the traditions of the family: if you consider it necessary to take the child to say goodbye, but not take him to the cemetery, do so. If you think it’s necessary to leave him with a nanny and go to the funeral yourself, then that’s what you do.
– What if my mother, who has just lost her husband, can’t figure out what’s best to do? She wants to give the opportunity to say goodbye, and is afraid that the general atmosphere of the funeral will further traumatize the child’s psyche.
– If you have no traditions and cannot figure out what to do, it is absolutely appropriate to consult with older family members or a psychologist. Up to calling the helpline: this is an acute moment, here a specialist can advise you. You will tell your arguments for and against, you will be asked a few questions, and you will understand what you really want. There can be no rules here, because modern families are very different in terms of observing traditions. Two hundred years ago such questions simply did not arise, everyone knew what was done in this village in the event of death, everyone knew who had what role, who was called, who was not called. And now there is complete freedom.

Don’t make up your child’s mind about how he feels.

– What to do if a child feels resentment towards a deceased parent? “Why did he leave me, I need him so much” - how to work with this?
– You know, now I’m trying to remember similar cases in my practice and I can’t. Is this really a childish grievance, or was it made up by someone? I have the impression that this is a projected question. When a child expresses it, and even out loud, it’s not his, it’s from one of the adults: “Who did you leave me for?” A child does not know how to feel resentment towards a deceased person. For a parent who has left the family - yes, quite often, but for a deceased parent it is unlikely. This is a projection of some adult nearby; he has to work with this resentment.
– What about the feeling of guilt? So I thought badly about my mother, got angry, and she died.
– Yes, there is a feeling of guilt. Especially if there was a projection: “Father has a bad heart, don’t make him angry.” Here, of course, prevention is more important - watch your tongue before something happens. Especially if the father has a really bad heart. I don’t believe that a child will just blame himself. If it’s already too late, it arose, then it’s appropriate to talk about what really led to death. It’s not like a child banging on a drum, we understand that. You need to calmly sit down and talk about the illness, how the treatment went, or about the accident, tell it as it is, without inventing anything.
– At what age will he hear this?
– After passing the worldview crisis that we talked about. Little ones cannot have any feelings of guilt, because they do not understand death. Moreover, it is important for an adult not to make things up. A child can live anything inside himself, but if he doesn’t present it to you, doesn’t ask for it, don’t come up with ideas for him: “What if he blames himself?”, “What if he has a grudge?” If we feel something, we can offer to talk about it through us. But the child may refuse.
– It happens that children worry that they are beginning to forget their deceased parent: a smile, laughter, an episode from childhood. What can you do here?
– It makes sense to talk about how a person feels and what we can do about it. To begin with, clarify what is most important for a person to remember. After all, no one wants to remember every minute of their life, but there are things that a person does not want to forget: how dad played with me, what he said, how he laughed. And then look for options. You can write something down, sketch something, find photographs, write down a story, start keeping a diary.
– When a child was worried for a long time, then for the first time since the death of his mother he laughed or wanted to go to a holiday - and again the feeling of guilt: “Mom is not here, but I am happy” - how to help him?
– You need to help if a child comes for help. As a rule, children easily experience this themselves. In reality, they actually face this situation many times: “Tomorrow we’re going to the pool, hurray! But no, my mother actually died! But I remember my mother, why shouldn’t I go to the pool now?” Most likely, if everything is fine with the child, he will cope with this situation on his own. If he came and said: “I feel bad, I didn’t go to the pool for the third time because of my mother. What should I do?”, you tell him that this will not bring your mother back. But the vast majority of children cope with this moral dilemma on their own.
Children have a flexible mental system; in general, all their systems are more flexible, starting with joints and ending with nerves. It is with age that we become more and more rigid.
– Can a child get “stuck” in grief?
– Maybe if he had and still has problems that are absolutely not related to death.
- Which for example?
– For example, his mother was the only person who accepted him. She arranged everything in such a way while she was alive that she said: “You and I are alone, there is no one else, we need to hold on, I love you most of all, and do you love me?” Then his mother left, and he, yes, could get stuck anywhere, even to the point of trying to follow her. But you must admit, this has nothing to do with her death.
The grief reaction goes away on its own. This is a natural reaction and it is finite. This does not mean that we have forgotten the hamster, the dog, and, especially, the mother, but the grief passes. And it is important to live it. What matters here is not how much the child grieves, but how. Deep down, we all know what the natural reaction of grieving for a deceased person looks like. If grief looks pathological, you can start to worry even after three days, without telling yourself: “It’s okay, it will survive, time heals.”
– Situation from readers. “My son is 10 years old, we were arguing, and he shouted to me: “It would be better if you died, not dad!” Now we both can’t forget it and are tormented.”
- Yes, they will both remember it. The mother must honestly say what she thinks about this if she finds true words It is possible that the child will also say what he thinks and feels. And they may feel better. If I say that I didn’t sleep all night and thought, maybe it really would be better this way, then the child will probably say that he doesn’t really think so. Most likely it will get easier. But this episode is from the “word is not a sparrow” series; it will remain an experience. If they say it, it will remain an experience for the child too: what can be done with a word.
- One more question. “My first husband died, I got married again. My daughter from my first marriage is 8 years old, I am pregnant with my second child. My daughter is worried, doesn’t accept her husband and child, and says that I’m betraying my dad.” This is a common situation in a new family: when a child does not accept the parent’s new partner. How can this be solved?
- Honestly. Sit a girl in front of you and tell the whole evolution of your own feelings, and without making excuses: “Your dad and I met at the institute, started dating, at first we didn’t think about having a child, but when we found out that we were going to have you, we were very happy. When he died, I walked around and didn’t know what to do next. Time passed, it was necessary to somehow arrange things. I sent you to kindergarten and started going to work myself. We met Oleg there. Oleg fell in love with me, but for a long time I didn’t understand what I wanted. Then time passed, and I realized that I wanted to love again and feel alive. This doesn’t mean that I forgot your father, but I realized that I want to move on with my life.”
Here is such a calm explanation, in fact, how everything was, what she felt, and what will happen next. The worst thing a parent can do is start making excuses. Never, under any circumstances, should you make excuses to a child, so that he does not have the illusion that someone’s life can belong to someone else.
– To summarize, the most important thing an adult can do when a child is dealing with the death of a parent is to act in accordance with the child’s character and be honest with him?
- Yes. The most important thing is to look at the child’s temperament. And don't lie. Neither a choleric person needs to lie, nor a phlegmatic person need to lie. Don’t imagine for him how he worries, what he feels, whether he feels guilty. Work with what you have and what the child has already come to you with. You can offer memories yourself, but the child has the right not to respond. Then go to those who will share them with you. It may well be that you need it more than your child. You are also a living person.

The death of a loved one is always difficult to cope with. But when a child dies, it is a terrible loss for his parents. It is on working with such losses that the psychologists of the St. Petersburg public social assistance organization “Family information Center" The loss of a child can become a deep lifelong trauma for both parents - for those who drown themselves in this trauma, in despair, relationships both within the family and connections with external society collapse or become distorted. The center's psychologist Nadezhda Stepanova tells how the specialists of the Family Information Center help parents and other family members cope with the death of a child and find new hopes.

"Family Information Center" helps women survivors of perinatal loss and their families, families who have lost a child, as well as at the birth of a premature baby or a child with a disability.

— Who experiences the loss more difficult – a family that has lost a baby, or a family that has lost an older child?

— If we say that it is harder to lose an older child than a newborn, then I both agree and no. Each family, each situation has its own characteristics. But yes, parents form more and more social and psychological connections as the child grows, these include clubs, kindergarten, friends, relatives... all these people and communities came into contact with the child, the family. These parents thus had more memories and hopes. And even after the birth of another child in the family, the parents still have memories of what was lost, but this is natural. It’s another question if the parents did not internally grieve this loss, and this could be for various reasons. For example, one of the parents was indirectly to blame for the child’s death in an accident.

— It turns out that selfishness predominates in people’s experiences: “I’m worried because my expectations did not come true,” “My grief,” and so on. But then there is very little space left for the departed children themselves...

“But this most often happens when you lose any loved one, not necessarily a child. More often we worry not about him, but about the fact that we are left without him and now we need to rebuild our world. We cry about ourselves, our unfulfilled dreams, plans, expectations...

— How many parents who have lost their children suffer from feelings of guilt? And how do you work with people if this guilt is real?

- Everyone suffers. How to work is a very difficult question. When a young woman, eight months pregnant, jumps from a parachute and loses her child, it is, of course, very difficult to work with her - she understands that she is to blame, that her actions provoked the loss. But here we need to admit the fact - yes, the act was rash. Perhaps the woman was not very ready for motherhood; in her picture of the world it was not at all assumed that children could die. Or the family was preparing for the birth of a child, they did everything that was necessary and possible, but the feeling of guilt is still present. How to work? Depending on the situation. It is impossible to say that the feeling of guilt goes away quickly and forever. Sometimes this takes a long time.

— The funeral of a deceased child - in what way do you discuss this problem with clients? Especially when it comes to newborn babies.

“Often mothers sometimes don’t even want to look at their dead newborn children, they don’t want to take them away to bury them. Until a certain time, it was the practice of doctors to say: “Why do you need to look?” But if a woman did not bury her child, she will subsequently have all sorts of scary pictures. For example, a woman came to talk about her grandchildren (she is a fairly young grandmother), but it turned out that a child died in her first marriage, but she did not look at him, did not take him, and then she began to imagine his appearance, then I started looking on the Internet for information about what happens to the bodies of such babies - some say that they are used as biomaterial, others say that they are thrown into a common pit, and so on. And she says: “I began to imagine all this. How can I live with this now?” Families come to me who have already made a decision, the woman left the maternity hospital and now she is looking for confirmation from me that she did the right thing by refusing to look at the child and bury him. But for believers, the question of whether or not to bury a child does not arise at all. Therefore, it is important that psychologists working with such families have a unified approach and understand the need and importance of this stage. In Germany, if a family at first does not want to look at the child and bury him, they are given some time to reflect on their desires and actions, during which time the family can change their decision. It would be great if we adopted their practice.

— If there are already other children in the family, do you work with them too?

- Yes. You definitely need to work with children. After all, children understand what is happening. If their parents do not tell them about what happened, they develop neuroses and fears, sometimes not directly related to death. And parents often do not inform their children about the death of a sibling. They explain it like this: “Why?” Especially if a newborn baby dies, they come up with some kind of story or generally impose a ban on this topic. At the same time, the child sees that everyone is crying, that mom and dad have no time for him, they can send him to his grandparents. The child feels separated from the family, in a kind of isolation zone. And he begins to have his own fantasies, which he then has to deal with on his own; a child’s fantasies are sometimes worse than reality. So I think that a child should definitely be told about the death of his brother or sister, but find the right time for this and think about what words to say.

- But the child himself can acutely experience the death of a brother or sister.

- Certainly. Again, especially if there is already some history of their communication. And most importantly: in any case, the child may also become depressed due to such events in the family. It is believed that if a child jumps and gallops, it means he is having fun and good. But in this way he can attract the attention of his parents so that they switch their minds and become happy, and the child thus receives for himself the “former” parents, the same as they were before the loss.

— How should other neighbors of those who are experiencing the loss of a child behave? What can’t be said, and what can and should be said?

“Rather, I’ll say what’s not allowed.” You can’t say right after it happened: “You will have more children.” After all, the parents have not yet cried or burned out. You cannot offer to go to work, forget yourself, stop crying - that is, you cannot offer any kind of blocking of emotions. Moreover, you cannot say: “I’m tired of you crying.” You cannot blame, even if the parents are objectively to blame for the death of the child. You cannot devalue the loss: “the pregnancy was at the wrong time,” “no matter what is done, everything is for the better,” and the like... The parents themselves already have enough feelings of guilt, they just need to support them. In general, you can touch on these topics only when the parents themselves want to talk about it. What should I do? Give the opportunity to cry as much as necessary. But at the same time, look at whether a person withdraws into himself or not. If he leaves society, this is an alarming sign. In this case, you need to call, come, and not leave with your attention. Talk and, most importantly, listen, restraining yourself from advice and comparisons: you cannot say that someone has everything much worse, this is also devaluation.

— What if a person sharply refuses to communicate?

“If a person lives alone, then you still need to call sometimes, just to say: “I’m here, you can call me at any time.” You can write SMS, write messages on the Internet, on Skype. Today there are many opportunities to let a person know that he is not alone.

- A woman needs to be allowed to cry. What about the man?

- Men cry too. And it’s great when a man can afford it. I suggest that men, if possible, take a joint vacation - in order to be with themselves and with their spouse. Some families leave - but not for fun, but in order to jump out of a familiar and traumatic space. It is important for a man to know how he can help his wife, how to answer questions from others, for example: “Yes, we lost a child, but now I don’t want to talk about it.” But this does not mean that he does not worry and a man does not need time to cope with the loss.

— Do people come to you years after a loss?

— I must say that right away, that is, in an acute state of grief, grief rarely comes. But it happens that they come after a very long time. Sometimes they come with other questions regarding family relationships, and when I start asking about the family’s past, it turns out that there was a loss of a child. And here, if a person is ready to talk about it, then either this is a lived story, and he tells it the same way I can tell my story, or these are strong feelings, emotions, grief is re-experienced, people say: “We didn’t tell anyone about this.” "

— Can older people who once experienced loss somehow support young people with the same problem?

- Certainly. Old man may say: “Look at me, I’m 75 years old. It’s hard for you now, you can’t forget it, but you can survive it.” Now I will say a phrase that may shock many in this context: one way or another, any experience enriches a person. Suffering also makes our picture of the world richer. And here older people can show this with their own examples. But when the only grandson or granddaughter dies, the grandparents’ experiences are no less intense than those of the child’s parents. This is also due to their unfulfilled expectations; they think that they may not have other grandchildren.

— Maybe, in general, one of the main problems is that we expect too much from each other?

- Yes. And when our expectations and our fantasies do not come true, it becomes a disaster for us. There are people who are ready to quickly adapt, and there are people who are not ready. Of course, in a crisis situation any discrepancies become aggravated.

“There’s an old saying: “God gave, God took.” Essentially this is summary fragment from Bible Book Job. Do you think people used to take the deaths of their children easier?

- I think so. There was more trust in God and an understanding that man is not able to fully control his life and death. And I also have to tell clients that each of us has our own deadline.

— Doesn’t the lack of such understanding give rise to hyper-responsibility?

— I constantly talk about this at seminars and webinars – not only on bereavement, but also on problems related to children in general. Still, parents need to be simpler in certain matters. Sorry, but in the 50s and 60s, a child often had a single enamel pot. And now they reason: “Well, the child doesn’t go to the blue potty, let’s buy him a red one.” And the mother is told that if her child does not go to the potty at one and a half years old, then she is a bad mother. And there is another point: before, women gave birth to how many children? How much God gave. And now? Most have one or two. Moreover, social and economic conditions could have been much worse before. Therefore, I often say that there is no need to neuroticize parents - they also have a life besides the child. It is a disaster for a child when the life of his parents is focused only on him. Parents of children with special needs are more susceptible to this. I remember one family in which the youngest child had very severe symptoms - bedridden, delayed mental development. He lived to be 10 years old and at this age could only lie down and roll around - nothing more. But his father is a doctor, his mother is a teacher, both worked and work, they did not stop their lives, but they did not send the child to a boarding school. The child lived with them. What did they do? They secured the space in which he was located, for example, they made him a sleeping place almost on the floor - so that he would not fall or hit himself.

— Did this couple not have a feeling of guilt due to the fact that they perhaps should have been more involved with the child, and then he would have reached at least a slightly higher level of development?

- You know, I think that such thoughts can arise in any parent - it doesn’t matter whether his child is healthy or sick, whether he is alive or dead. There is always a feeling that you didn’t do something, didn’t deliver enough, didn’t have time, overlooked it... But this couple still tried to give their child a lot - they continued to work on his rehabilitation even when the specialists told them that there would be no progress. The parents answered: “But he’s alive, so we’ll do it.”

— You also work with families with children with disabilities. Can a family turn to you if they are still afraid that their child will either be born with developmental disabilities or will not survive?

— Our project provides for us to catch a family when, even at the stage of pregnancy, doctors discover that the child may have some kind of pathology. Here it is very important to let the woman understand that she is not God, but a mother, and is doing the maximum that she can. If the whole family is involved during this period, then it is very important to help everyone decide what and how each of them can do in this situation. When a family comes out of disorientation and moves into real action, it gives people the opportunity to see both those actions and their results, which ultimately gives hope. After all, there is such a problem: often, if a woman gives birth to a child with certain developmental disorders, she fences herself off from society: “No one will understand me.” She has a fear of being judged - and indeed, not everyone around her understands what is happening. And here our task is to restore her connection with society. How to shape social connections in this case? Introduce the family to other families who have similar problems. Families can share real experiences, addresses of medical institutions, organizations whose work has the specifics of working with certain disorders. In addition, our society as a whole is still changing - and many families with disabilities receive moral support from the most ordinary people, their neighbors, for example.

When a sudden death comes to a family, it is always grief. However, losing your own child is perhaps the worst thing that can happen in a person’s life. This loss is truly irreplaceable. The death of children is unnatural. After all, children are our continuation, so their death becomes the death of a part of us. She deprives her parents of a future, as if turning back time.

It happens that a child passes away after a serious and long illness. But even in this case, parents are often unprepared for such a terrible outcome. The hope for a miraculous healing lives in them until the last breath of their beloved child, and after his death they tirelessly ask themselves the question of whether they did everything in their power to save their child.

It is impossible to prohibit feeling. Going through grief requires a lot of time and effort to recover, and it is impossible to control this process. The stronger the grief, the more difficult and longer this recovery process takes place. To help people who have experienced the loss of a child, the editors of the publication Dni.Ru turned to psychologists.

Psychotherapist, director of the consulting company "Path to the Source" Igor Luzin is convinced: just like other people who have been struck by tragedy, Andrei Razin needs to live through the situation of grief. “Literally, to grieve. Let the grief come out, not isolate yourself, cry,” says the expert. “The second, very important point is a good environment, the support of loved ones. It is very important that Andrei is supported - by friends and acquaintances, both him and his son.”

There should also be enough sleep. “When the stress level is off the charts, defense mechanisms work well during sleep. It’s best to sleep as soon as possible,” advises Igor Luzin.

Believers find peace in prayer. “At the level of the soul, we do not die. On the spiritual level, the son’s soul was called to another space, where its further growth and further lessons will take place. There will be no physical embodiment of this body, and this is painful and difficult. But the process of life goes on in the format of an eternal cycle “Prayer or meditation will be very helpful to a believer in this situation. It’s good if Andrei is surrounded by a respected confessor, psychologist, and psychotherapist. Such a person can provide support with his presence, calmness, and advice, which is very important now,” - the specialist believes.

Underwater rocks

Often the topic of the death of a child is so unsafe and painful that they prefer not to talk about it. As a result, a vacuum is created around the grieving parents, which gives them reason to think that everyone has turned away from them for some unknown reason.

It happens that couples who have lost a child experience their grief together. As a result of a common tragedy, their relationship hardens, and the spouses become stronger, closer, and more united. But even for couples who fully support each other, such a loss is a very difficult experience.

It happens that “orphaned” parents do not share their experiences with each other and withdraw into themselves. They are at a loss - they do not know how to support their partner, nor how to accept the help of loved ones themselves. Everyone lives their grief alone. As a result, a wall of misunderstanding grows between the spouses, and grievances multiply and accumulate like a snowball.

The husband and wife seem to be fenced off from each other with “thorns” that additionally “hurt”, but these new emotional wounds do not distract from the mental pain. Unhappy parents seem to be competing with each other, trying to figure out whose grief is “greater.” This is especially evident if there was an accident that occurred in the presence or negligence of one of the spouses. And then just the sight of a partner, like a red rag to a bull, becomes an irritant and a constant reminder of the tragedy that occurred. And then the spouses, instead of uniting and helping each other, on the contrary, begin to blame each other for what happened. As a result, a vicious circle is formed, from which it is almost impossible to get out without the help of a specialist.

It is important to understand that this is also one of the ways to survive the consequences of the tragedy. Blaming each other in anger is a natural part of grief. In this situation, you need to try to separate your anger from your spouse, who also needs support and a shoulder.

When a grieving couple has other children, the meaning of life is automatically found. There is no escape - the younger members of the family require attention and care, and parents, willy-nilly, are drawn into the cycle of life, which does not allow them to withdraw into themselves. But if the deceased child was the only one, then the spouses often decide to give birth to another child as soon as possible. And here it is very important that this happens after all the stages of “grieving” have been completed - so that the child is born wanted and loved, and not just as an attempt at despair, as a replacement for the previous child. It will be difficult for him to live his life own life, if he is loaded in advance with unjustified expectations of his parents.

A dangerous moment can be the so-called “stuckness” at one of the stages of grief. In this case, the natural phases of experiencing loss cease to naturally replace each other, stopping at one of them. For example, a house can keep the room and belongings of a deceased baby intact for years. Parents seem to deny the very fact of death. They are not ready to “let go” of the child, and seem to be constantly waiting for his return. There is a kind of denial of the very fact of death. In this case, the grieving process does not even begin.

According to clinical psychologist and expert psychoanalyst Damian Sinaisky, the loss of a child is a very difficult ordeal. In his practice, there was a case when the father of a child who was in intensive care talked with Death. “Take me, but leave the child alive,” the man asked.

"Time stops, life stops, and it hurts all 24 hours. You need to accept this pain for what it is - in all its bleeding and unhealing. Do not run from it, do not feel guilt, shame, despair. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to scream, scream. There is no need to restrain yourself. This is the pain that needs to be poured out,” the specialist believes.

The psychologist recalled that every year corporations in the world suffer losses amounting to more than $200 billion due to people who have experienced grief. “Such workers have reduced concentration and lack motivation to succeed. Employers should take this into account and, perhaps, give vacations during such a period. This is both beneficial and helps to maintain morality,” the expert added.

It happens that in a family there are prohibitions on showing emotions. Relatives, under fear own death or out of confusion at the sight of grief-stricken parents, they begin to give the woman who has lost a child banal and tactless advice, for example: “Humble yourself,” “Be strong,” “Don’t cry,” “Life goes on,” “You’ll give birth to another, how old are you!” ", "During the war, they also lost children and survived nothing," "God gave, God took!" And it happens that the unfortunate mother is directly accused of the death of her own child: “Why didn’t you keep track?,” “How could you?”

In the case when friends or family say formal things, or do not want to immerse themselves in other people’s experiences, you can reconsider the relationship and stop unpleasant communication so as not to experience additional pain, advises Damian Sinaisky. “Don’t blame yourself for not following up. At the first stage of experiencing grief, you need to be honest with yourself. Give vent to your feelings - cry, hug, be silent, Help each other express feelings. Talk, discuss, remember - speech eliminates pain,” the psychologist is convinced .

All psychologists agree on one opinion: for those who have experienced loss, it is extremely important not to isolate themselves in misfortune. It is necessary to understand what is happening. A person needs to realize and gain the right to acknowledge his experiences and his grief, to accept his loss. It’s good when you have the opportunity to seek advice from someone you trust, to pour out your soul, speak out and be heard. And of course, it is extremely important to help grief-stricken parents find new meanings in order to move on with their lives.

Write, call, offer help. Don’t be shy – “pull” the strings, involve them in some joint events. A person who has experienced the loss of a child may withdraw into himself—bring him out of this state.

And it is not at all necessary to spend all the time together. Help “at short distances” will be enough, but it is extremely important that it is certainly at the first, most acute stage of grief, and especially if asked for it. Take on some of the worries of organizing the funeral, communicating with morgue or cemetery staff, and so on.

Speak, remember. According to psychologists, repeated repetition of the story about the tragedy that happened helps to overcome grief. It is no coincidence that this technique is used in working with post-traumatic stress disorder in people who survived terrorist attacks, disasters or natural Disasters, as well as participants in hostilities. However, it is worth asking and talking about what happened only if the person who lost his child wants to remember the grief.

Go through the whole path of grief

“It is very important to be with loved ones and with those with whom you can talk,” emphasizes psychologist, member of the European Federation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Ksenia Kasparova. “The most important thing is that a person shares his feelings, that he speaks, remembers everything, down to the smallest detail. This is normal. . This is the work of grief that must necessarily pass."

The death of a child is always unnatural. Like any loss, it is very difficult to survive. A bereaved person must understand that everything he feels—pain, despair, and anger—is normal. It is important to remember that the grieving process consists of several stages and takes quite a long time. Such a serious wound cannot heal in one day.

According to Ksenia Kasparova, parents who have lost a child are initially in a state of physical shock. At this stage, they may experience such phenomena as a sensation of a lump in the throat, sharp chest pain, insomnia, and loss of appetite. According to experts, such physical phenomena are quite natural and, in a sense, help the psyche cope with loss. In fact, at first, a person experiences grief with his body.

During stress, adrenaline is released, which can lead to spasm of peripheral blood vessels. It may seem to a person that he is cold and shivering, and to this is added a feeling of internal trembling. In this case, a cup of hot tea and a warm blanket can help, but this will only bring temporary relief.

Extreme stress can lead the bereaved person to regress. He becomes weak and helpless. Therefore, in this case, you can resort to “childish” methods of consolation. Some may find it helpful to sit in silence. It is important for someone to be hugged and cry together. Patting the back or head, as well as the quiet, soothing words of a loved one, often help.

The next stage is denial. For example, upon learning about a loss, a person screams in horror - “No, no!” This is also a kind of way for the psyche to cope with grief, not allowing information about what happened. Sometimes it happens that a person understands with his head that trouble has happened. But the heart just can’t accept it.

The next stage is anger. It can be directed at the outside world - at doctors, at the driver who caused the accident... Sometimes such anger also applies to the deceased person - “abandoned”, “left”, “left”. And sometimes this anger is directed at himself: a person experiences a feeling of guilt, constantly scrolls through various kinds of options in his head, he is tormented by thoughts of what he could have done, how he could have prevented the tragedy. And these painful, terrible thoughts give no rest.

The next stage of grief can be called “bargaining” or “deal”. This means that a person promises a higher power or friends that he will do something specific if a miracle happens and the child comes to life. This unconscious attempt to regain something hopelessly lost also helps the psyche cope with stress.

The last stage is depression and acceptance, when the awareness of loss comes. It is generally accepted that a person experiences all these stages within a year. “If grief was not pathological or complicated, then its acute period usually lasts from five to nine months, and the entire grieving process takes not less than a year", says Ksenia Kasparova.

There is a path - the work of grief - and it must be passed. Unfortunately, it is impossible to go around or overtake him. And even if you turn off this path, you still have to go back and live it in order to “grieve.”

Then everything is individual. Sometimes a person decides to do something in memory of a deceased child. For example, write poetry, publish a photo album, edit a film. It happens that at this stage, parents who have experienced loss organize charitable foundations for the benefit of orphaned children or homeless animals.

Be careful, stress

Exist dangerous symptoms, in which it is extremely important to consult specialists in a timely manner for drug therapy or psychological help. This applies primarily to suicidal thoughts, when a person experiencing grief says that he does not want to live or even makes attempts to commit suicide.

This is primarily depression, accompanied by sudden weight loss - more than five kilograms in one or two weeks; sleep disorders; a detached state when a person does not react to what is happening or performs repetitive actions. An alarming signal is inappropriate behavior - for example, hysterical laughter, talking about the child as if it were alive, obsessive thoughts or emphasized calm indifference.

According to statistics, 90% of parents who have lost a child may experience sleep problems. Half of them may experience visual and auditory pseudohallucinations. There is even complete insomnia. Experts warn: you should not drown out the pain with alcohol or drugs. Calming herbs may help. In the acute period, you should consult a psychiatrist who, unlike a psychologist, has the right to prescribe medications that will help the psyche cope with stress. However, this must be done extremely carefully and only in extreme cases.

Adults often do not know how children who have lost a loved one feel, and even more so, many of them have no idea how to help them. We will try to talk about the features of childhood grief and the most simple ways help.

Most often, adults do not know how to explain to a child about death and how to console him. It is not always possible, by looking at a baby, to understand how he feels and how hard he is experiencing the loss. Some children may cry, some may express emotions through words, and some may change their behavior and psychological state. A child’s emotions can change in a matter of minutes: he’s just been carefree playing with toys, but he’s already sitting there in tears. It’s curious, but children cannot be constantly sad or longing for their neighbor, so their experience of grief is very uneven, it alternates with sharp outbursts of bright emotions and relative calm.

After a child has learned about death, it is important for an adult to surround him with warmth and care. A little boy or girl should feel: despite the fact that her mother has died, she has a dad who will take care of her. Try to show that you love your child and that he should not be ashamed of his tears. Be prepared for the fact that you will have to answer a number of too frank questions regarding death, which may seem tactless and even stupefying. Keep in mind that such interest does not mean that the child is indifferent or doesn’t care. You will need to come together and have an honest and frank conversation.

If the child has become disobedient, absent-minded or aggressive, if you begin to notice some strange things about him, you will need to show patience and understanding. Remember that when faced with death, the child himself begins to be afraid of dying. In this case, you will have to listen to what exactly he is afraid of and try to calm him down. If a child begins to be bothered by psychosomatic or neurotic symptoms, such as physical fatigue, sleep or appetite disturbances, headaches or increased excitability, then the best option would be to seek help from a psychologist.

Often, a child may experience a feeling of guilt, since the death of a parent, in their opinion, has become the embodiment of their phrase thrown in a quarrel: “I wish I had a different mother!” Also, some children perceive the loss of a loved one as punishment: for not eating a bowl of porridge and for behaving badly last week. Sometimes children may feel guilty only because they cannot explain to themselves what exactly they are feeling and whether they have any emotions at all. Remember to ask your child about their thoughts and condition as often as possible. Do this not only in the first days after the funeral, but also months later.

Monitor your child's behavior carefully. It is possible that he may not have a normal reaction to grief, but a pathological one. A sign of pathology is the duration of symptoms. For example, a child does not show any emotions for too long or, conversely, cries for too long. You should also be wary if your child’s performance at school has dropped sharply or if he refuses to go to class. The reason for going to a psychologist should be sudden outbursts of anger, panic or fear, or the development of a phobia. It is necessary to contact a specialist if the child does not want or cannot talk about the deceased. Loss of interest in the present, everyday life, refusal to communicate with loved ones and friends should also alert adults.

Of course, how strongly a child will experience a loss is primarily influenced by the degree of relationship. The worst thing for a child is the loss of parents and siblings. At such moments, the child feels loneliness, deep depression and the realization that he has been abandoned. Often this childhood trauma leaves a serious imprint on a person’s future life, for example, on the choice of profession or personal development. If a relative with whom the child had a close relationship dies, the loss may be perceived as the loss of a friend, a playmate, or simply a role model. good man, whom I wanted to emulate.

The circumstances of death also play an important role. The hardest loss is an unexpected, sudden loss. The cause of death may be an accident, suicide, or murder. It is especially difficult if the child himself witnessed the incident. How difficult it will be for a child to cope with such a situation largely depends on age, psychological development, character, and also on whether the child was familiar with death before.

How do children of different ages experience grief?

As mentioned earlier, the perception of the death of a loved one largely depends on the age of the child. How is grief expressed after the death of parents in children, preschoolers and teenagers?

Children under two years old

During this period, the child, of course, does not realize the loss of mom, dad, or both parents. However, he notices that those who care for him have changed emotionally. Feeling this, the child may become irritable, noisy, and may refuse to eat. Possible urinary problems and intestinal upset.

Child at two years old

The child knows that if he does not see his parents, he can call them - and they will come. At two years old, the baby still cannot understand what death is, so he continues to look for mom or dad for a long time. To support such a child, constant care is needed not only emotionally (love, warmth), but also physiologically ( proper nutrition, dream).

Children aged three to five years

Children of this age need to try to very gently explain that mom or dad has died and they will not be able to come back. It is likely that the child may have a fear of the dark, the child may suddenly change his mood, cry, feel angry or sad. It is possible that the baby will begin to complain to you about abdominal pain and headaches. You may also notice skin rashes or a return to thumb sucking. During this period, it will be useful to remember the bright moments spent with the deceased, as well as preserve the traditions established by him. If a child walked with dad in the park every weekend, you should do this too; if in winter they always went skiing, do not change this tradition.

Children aged six to eight years

At this age, children often, and even more so at school, ask each other about their parents. You need to prepare your child for such questions. Encourage him to answer simply: “My mother died.” Explain to your child that he is not obliged to tell the details of the death or talk to strangers about things that are personal to him. During this period, some children may behave differently than their classmates: be more emotional and even lash out at teachers.

Children aged nine to twelve

At this age, the child already strives for independence. Only the death of a loved one does not give you a free hand; on the contrary, it can impose a feeling of helplessness. The child’s experiences can manifest themselves in aggression against adults or elders, fights, and poor academic performance. In addition, children at this age may have practical questions: “Who will drive them to training?”, “Who will give them pocket money?” During this period, children can rethink their role in the family. For example, a boy who has lost his father may want to take his place. Adults should notice this and try to create all the conditions for the boy to have free time for games, so that he can study in sections and communicate with children of his age - in general, so that the child can have a childhood. Adults who care for a child should try to explain to him that enjoying life and getting pleasure from it is good. And mom or dad will only be happy if their child is happy.

Teenagers

Perhaps the teenage period is the most difficult for a child. And if it is at this time that the death of a loved one occurs, this can be fraught with bad consequences. In this case, the child may try to find help outside the home, among new, not the best friends, who may offer him to forget with the help of drugs or alcohol. Teenagers do not want to show their feelings, so some of them stubbornly continue to remain silent for a long time, but in their souls they experience death so strongly that they have a desire to commit suicide. During this period, it is important to show your child that you love him, no matter what he is like, that in any case he can count on you and your support.

No matter how old a boy or girl is, it is important to remember that it is the adults, their behavior, patience, attention and love, who determine how the child will adapt to life without a loved one.

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The death of a child is the most devastating loss that no parent is prepared for.

A person faced with this mourns his child, his future and potential.

Although life will never be the same for the mother and father from that moment on, grief can be overcome by learning to live again.

Some tips may help with this.

Often negative emotions, which accompany the grief of the loss of a newborn child, entail physical reactions: parents cannot sleep, eat, experience general malaise, and are easily susceptible to illness.

The occurrence of such symptoms should be an “alarm bell”: despite the fact that the thoughts of a person who finds himself in a similar situation are entirely occupied by what happened, one must not forget about oneself.

Trying to take care of yourself - necessary condition emotional recovery: it is important to overcome yourself on a physical level, because this allows you to quickly cope with the injury.

In the early days after the death of a child, many parents cannot sleep: they constantly have nightmares associated with their loss. This frightens them and they try to stay awake as long as possible, which can lead to negative consequences, because sleep is a period during which the body’s vital forces are actively restored, and neglecting it can lead to physical exhaustion. The same goes for food - loss of appetite should not cause additional problems; you should eat food even in its absence.

Particular attention should be paid to drinking - experts note that a person under stress should drink at least eight glasses a day.

Dehydration can cause the rehabilitation process to be significantly delayed.

Some people who have lost a child find it difficult to leave their home.

Parents believe that by leaving the premises, they will lose contact with the things that belonged to the newborn, and, accordingly, with him.

However, those who have completed this test note that they feel much better in the fresh air. A change of scenery will only be beneficial.

In cases where it becomes difficult to cope with negative physical conditions on your own, you need to seek help from a specialist who can help.

For example, to normalize sleep, you may need to take medications, but choosing them yourself is highly undesirable.

Family support

The family in which the tragedy occurred must unite. Although some parents may find it tedious, talking to relatives can bring comfort.

The period after the loss of a newborn is a time when you need to be open and honest not only with yourself, but also with those around you.

Help from family members can be practical; it is especially useful in the first days after the incident, when parents experience the most severe emotional shock.

Relatives can take care of cooking, responding to incoming condolences, making necessary purchases, doing laundry, and caring for other children (if any).

It is worth noting that the specifics of help from relatives are of a purely individual nature - in some cases, parents benefit from being busy with household chores, which does not allow negative emotions to overwhelm them.

Job Some parents faced with the death of a newborn child find the thought of returning to work unbearable; others, on the contrary, prefer to plunge headlong into the daily work routine. you should listen exclusively to your own feelings: if a person understands on a subconscious level that performing work duties will break him even more, you should postpone the decision to return to your activity.

However, if a person believes that work will serve as a good cure for sadness, he should not refuse to return to it.

There are often cases when parents who find themselves in a difficult situation decide to radically change their field of activity.

This issue should be approached with caution: often such ideas come under the influence of negative emotions, and subsequently may seem absurd even to those who accepted them. You should wait until the bulk of your experiences are left behind, and only after that decide which way to move next.

Help from a psychotherapist While abroad the practice of turning to a psychotherapist in difficult life situations

is an everyday occurrence, in the post-Soviet space people try to avoid such specialists.

This position is fundamentally wrong: a good doctor can be very useful in the recovery process.

If you decide to visit a psychotherapist, you must first read reviews of his activities. They can be found on the Internet or through friends: this will give you more confidence in your actions. You can look for a specialist who works specifically with cases where parents undergo emotional rehabilitation after the loss of a child. Before going to a session with a doctor, you need to clarify by phone or e-mail all the points of interest: style of communication with the client, experience working with parents who have lost a child, inclusion of religious or spiritual components in sessions (they may be unacceptable for the visitor), and also , if necessary, - the cost of a course of therapy. Preliminary clarification of all the details allows you to prevent possible difficulties that could lead to worsening emotional state

parents.

How to help a loved one cope with the death of a child?

If you find yourself in a situation where a loved one is experiencing the loss of a child, every effort must be made to provide support to the grieving person.

First of all, you need to remember that you cannot avoid talking about the child. A loved one may interpret this behavior strategy as a reluctance to admit that his child was real. You can ask questions about him and also about what happened.

It should be remembered that if the victims do not like such conversations, then they should not “pressure” them.

It is necessary to identify the need for the presence in the lives of people who have experienced loss. Everyone except their parents returns to their home after the funeral. ordinary life. The life of a mother and father who have undergone a terrible ordeal will never be the same. You should not disappear from their sight, because the support of a friend or relative in such a difficult period of life can come in handy.

Parents cannot be expected to cope with grief on their own any time soon. People who have lost a child need to grieve in their own way and at the right time for them.

You should not transfer other people's experiences onto yourself: you need to allow parents to focus on their loss - it is unique and concerns only them. Although others may have similar experiences, they are never identical and cannot be compared to what the mother and father experience.

Therefore, you should not say phrases like: “I know how you feel,” “Keep yourself busy to distract yourself,” “God will not give you more than you can bear,” “You can always have another child,” and the like.

When being around people experiencing the death of a newborn, it is important to be loving and non-judgmental. The most important thing a friend or relative can do is simply be open to their loved one. Help in organizing a farewell ceremony for a child can be very significant: for some parents this may be a difficult ordeal that they are not able to endure.

Psychotherapists believe that loved ones of a family in which a tragedy has occurred should be entrusted with the task of finding support groups.

They may consist of other parents who have also lost their children.

Sessions of joint psychotherapy often bring positive results, because the exchange of experiences and experiences, even in such aspects, is not superfluous.

In some cases, after the death of a newborn child, parents begin to blame each other for what happened. Outside observers - friends and family - should not take sides. The family must find its own way to overcome difficulties.

The death of a child is undoubtedly a strong shock. With proper support, every parent who finds himself in a similar situation can find the strength to cope with adversity and regain the joy of life.

The memory of a child should not bear pain - it should be bright and pure, and no matter how long the process of psychological recovery takes, only its result is of real importance.

A person must do everything possible to return to a stable state, or help his loved ones in this, and time, as we know, heals the deepest wounds.