Difficult relationships with others. Relationships with people: a guide. Use appropriate humor

We humans crave friendship and positive relationships just as much as we crave food and water. The higher our social skills, the happier and more productive we become. This is important in any area: personal, professional and social. For example, if excellent relations with colleagues are established at work, then we go to the office with great desire, and we take on the project with redoubled energy.

Besides, good relationship give us freedom: instead of wasting time and energy on overcoming the problems associated with negative relationships, we can focus on opportunities.

How do you develop relationships with others? Where to start and what rules to follow? Answers below.

5 principles of good relationships

In combination with the ability to understand people, these principles will be enough to learn how to build strong relationships.

• The trust. This is the foundation of all good relationships. When you trust a colleague, acquaintance, or client, you create a powerful bond that will help you work and communicate more effectively. If you trust the people you interact with, you can be open and honest in your thoughts and actions.
• Mutual respect. When you respect people, you value their contributions and ideas, and they value yours. By working together or just by talking, you can find solutions based on collective understanding, wisdom and creativity.
• Attentiveness. It means taking responsibility for your words and actions. Those who are attentive, careful and watch what they say do not let their negative emotions influence the people around you.
• Ability to accept a different point of view. Following this principle, not only accept different people and their opinions as equals, but also welcome them. This means that when your loved ones, friends or colleagues offer something, you do not blindly reject, but always take the time to analyze their point of view and understand it at a deep level.
• openness. We communicate with people all day: whether we send emails, whether we sit in chats, whether we meet face to face. The better and more effectively we communicate with others, the richer the relationship will be. All good relationships depend on open, honest communication.

You may ask: “What if the person does not want to communicate with me on these principles? Do I really have to behave respectfully and openly with him, and at this time he will snap and conflict with me? Yes, that's exactly what you have to do, albeit not in all cases. It makes no sense to build a relationship with an outright boor. But good relationships with others always require patience and energy.

If the person doesn't trust you, it's okay. Trust him, be open and show respect. After some time, the ice will melt and you will find a friend. Guarantees are not one hundred percent, but very high.

It is very easy to build a healthy relationship with someone who is set up for it. This will not require any effort - everything will be harmonious. Your skills will grow only if you have to establish good relationships with difficult people- that is true craftsmanship.

How to learn to build relationships

Here are some tips to help you develop more positive and healthy relationships in all areas of your life.

Respect a person's time

It's amazing how many people these days don't even think about this rule. Remember that every time you write, call or start a conversation with a person, he may be busy. Even if he seems to be idle, he can think about important issues.

You yourself do not always want to allocate your time to others. Ignore SMS and social media messages because you know that this will be followed by a full-fledged conversation, and maybe some kind of offer.

Therefore, first of all, ask if the interlocutor has time for a conversation. And even if he answers in the affirmative, watch his signals during the dialogue: you may notice that he nervously glances towards the exit or is tense. So ask this question again.

Remember the golden rule

It is unlikely that humanity will come up with something more valuable about building positive relationships than the old golden rule: "Treat people the way you want to be treated."

Would you be surprised that a selfish, greedy and irritable person, if he has friends, they are about the same moral level? Like attracts like.

Listen carefully

Listening carefully is the ability to boost another person's self-esteem, a quiet form of flattery that makes people feel supported and valued. Successful relationships are born precisely at the moment when you understand the interlocutor at a deep level. The volume behind the words.

You must be genuinely interested in what the person has to say, feels or wants. Make it a rule to paraphrase the other person's messages and return them to him for verification. This is the best form of feedback.

Make your time

In a world where time is of the essence, it is a precious gift to those you deal with.

Develop your communication skills

Communication happens when someone understands you, not just when you speak. One of the biggest dangers here is that you are assuming that the person has understood the message.

Anyone who feels misunderstood is easily stressed and nervous. To do this, you need to develop, with which a person learns to correctly convey his thought with the help of words, body language and emotions.

Develop Empathy

Empathy and understanding create a bond between people. This is a state of perceiving and relating to the feelings and needs of another person, without accusations and orders. also means "reading" internal state another person and interpreting them in a way that offers support and develops mutual trust.

Develop assertiveness

It is the ability to set boundaries. You won’t be able to give all people the same amount of time, so learn how to properly refuse without hurting the feelings of the interlocutor.

Ask questions

it The best way show concern and respect. Even if a person is talking incessantly, the right questions can make him change the subject or start a conversation about something that is interesting to both.

To prevent the subject change from seeming rude, ask about something sweet and personal at the same time, like a dog or children.

Accept people for who they are

We all want to remake someone, make them smarter, more rational, more fun. This is a completely understandable desire, but if you want to help a person, show it by your own example. Until then, take him as he is.

Do you want your friend or girlfriend to become smarter? Then don't talk about it out loud, do something: take me to intellectual films, donate books, put puzzles together. If you're not that close, then just work on yourself. Become a role model.

Keep people involved

People want to be part of something bigger than themselves. Many look for opportunities to meet with those who share their interests, but due to shyness, they stand aside and get bored. They will be flattered if you invite them to join.

Enjoy communication

All relationship advice is useless if you hate people or find them boring. You may have to make an effort on yourself at first, but after a while you will become genuinely interested in others.

This also works in reverse side: when you are interested in people, they become interested in you in return. This is the law. Who doesn't want to spend time with someone they're interested in?

Develop as a person

Do you want to build good and strong relationships? Get better, be interesting, support any topic.

• Write a novel.
• Write poetry.
• Draw.
• Learn foreign languages.

Don't change your principles

It means being completely honest. The truth is not always pleasant. Yes, you do not need to enter into conflicts, but in many cases it is better to say that you do not like something. Are you trying to build a relationship with a person, but you see that he is treating others unfairly? Calmly tell him about it, and do not be silent so as not to anger him.

Surprisingly, such directness can make relationships stronger. People do not like sycophants, but they appreciate honesty and decency, even if they themselves are not like that. They know one thing: if you are fair and make comments to them, then in the future you will do justice to them. Show courage and you will be rewarded.

We discussed how to build relationships with those who also want this. But what about difficult people? It can be so painful that it is easier to push such a person away than to try to make contact. Unfortunately, this is not always possible. Let's see what ways there are to build relationships with not-so-nice people.

How to learn to deal with difficult people

Not all people come from the principle that Stephen Covey advocated: "Think in the spirit of win-win." This means not only getting what you want, but also helping the interlocutor achieve his goals.

Difficult people may well decide to step on the throat of their own desires in order to harm you. They act irrationally and lose their temper easily. How to communicate with them and build good relationships? There are several recommendations on this subject.

stay calm

Self-control destroys the conflict at its very beginning and helps to relieve the tension that has arisen. Therefore, the first rule in dealing with a difficult person is to keep calm; the less you react to attacks and criticism, the more you think with a cold head, and not with the help of unpredictable emotions.

Best advice: never get offended. If we are in the mood for this, then we will not react impulsively. The interlocutor may try to swing the pendulum, and if you do not indulge him, then his energy will not find an outlet.

Change reactive thinking to proactive

A person who does not participate in conflicts and squabbles becomes successful. He concentrates his energy on solving the problem.

When you are offended by someone's words or actions, think of several ways to look at the situation. For example, before getting irritated by a negative reaction from the other person, think about what made them say it. In most cases, unpleasant words are a projection of inner pain. A person may not have anything against you, but he needs to put tension somewhere.

To understand is to respond proactively. After all, the essence of communication is not in finding enemies, but in achieving a goal.

Separate the person from the problem

There are two elements in every communication situation: the relationship you have with this person and the problem you are discussing. An effective communicator knows how to separate the person from the problem, be gentle about the situation, and be honest about the issue. For example:

• “I want to talk about what's on your mind, but I can't do it when you're screaming. Let's either sit down and talk more quietly, or we'll spend some time apart and come back to this issue later."
• “You are often late. Unfortunately, if this happens again, we will start the event without you.”

It is very important to be extremely gentle in your criticism, but at the same time honest. One has only to lose one's temper and start blaming, how one can forget about it.

Let the person speak

Difficult people want attention. Sometimes you can turn around and leave, but if you are dealing with a client, this will not work.

It may take a very long time to listen. But if it's worth it, do it. No objections or criticism in response. Be humble and don't escalate the situation. This is difficult, because the interlocutor focuses not on solving the problem, but on what happened. Then resort to the first advice: keep calm. And remember that if you can do it, it will increase your ability to build relationships with people several times over.

Use appropriate humor

In conflict, everything is always serious. When used correctly, humor is disarming. It demonstrates that you have an iron calmness and are in complete control of the situation. But, of course, it should not be mocking.

Lead the conversation

Whenever two people communicate, one usually leads the topic and the other follows. In healthy communication, two people will alternate between these roles.

Difficult people like to completely seize the initiative, set a negative tone, find out again and again who is to blame. You can stop this behavior by simply changing the theme. Use questions to redirect the conversation. Plus, you can always say “By the way…” and enter a new topic.

Books

Learning how to build good relationships with people requires only two things: patience and desire. They will appear if you are interested enough in the topic and start to delve into it. The following books are excellent for this purpose.

• How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
• "Games People Play" by Eric Byrne.
• Forms of Human Relations by Eric Berne.
• "Sign Language" Alan Pease and Barbara Pease.
• The Language of Conversation by Alan Pease and Barbara Pease.
• "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray.
• “There is a leader in everyone. Tribes in an era social networks» Seth Godin.
• The Psychology of Influence by Robert Cialdini.
• "Five traumas that prevent you from being yourself" Liz Burbo.

Nobody achieves success alone. We are all dependent on others in one way or another. Therefore, what kind of relationship you build with them affects the quality of life.

Relationships with people is an area that is worth it to improve your abilities and skills in it. With practice, you will learn to read people, intuitively understand what and how to tell them, they will begin to listen to you and ask for advice. And this is a huge power and influence.

We wish you good luck!

Living in a society, people enter into a variety of relationships with each other. Someone manages to find mutual language with colleagues, children, husband, while others are faced with certain difficulties. In fact, to become an interesting conversationalist or just to improve your life through communication, it is enough to know a few rules for building relationships with people.

The main thing to remember is that everyone is different!

What does it mean? And this means that there is hardly any pattern of communication or a “framework” of dialogue.

For example, to draw the attention of the child to the cleanliness in his room, you need to tell him something like “clean your room, you see, mom is tired after work.” Some child will answer this: “Of course, mother.” And the other will shrug his shoulders and think: "I'm tired today, I'll clean it tomorrow." This is the simplest example, in fact there are a lot of them, but the main principle is clear: a personal approach to each interlocutor is necessary.

You need to provide your request or information in such a way that the recipient feels the benefit in this

It's also very simple. Most a prime example- interview, but this method is applicable in all areas, the main thing is to understand the principle. When interviewing for a sales manager position, it is important to tell the employer about what will be new in his company after he selects an employee. That is, not all should sound best qualities candidate, but only what the candidate can do for the company!

You can say this: "I have a lot of experience, I have great professional skills in this area." Or you can do it like this: “I have a lot of experience in this area, which is why I can offer new ideas for promoting a product, the company’s income will increase.” After comparing these two options, you can immediately see who the employer will take. The first option tells about the qualities of the applicant for the position, and the second about what exactly he can do useful for the company.

The same principle can be applied to family relationships. For example, in order for the whole family to want to go fishing, you need not to praise the delights of this holiday, but to find what family members like in nature, what will be interesting for them there.

Let's consider two more options. First: "Let's go to the river tomorrow, catch a lot of fish, have fun?" And the second: “We can go to the river tomorrow, on the way we will stop by my grandmother, she will probably bake delicious pies.” If the family does not like to go fishing, then in the first case, a refusal will follow, and in the second, consent. Is it already clear why? Of course, because the proposal is formulated in such a way that others see their benefit in it, which means they will agree.

The choice must be left to the individual.

No one likes to be ordered without a choice. This is very easy to follow with examples. First: "Do your homework immediately, I'll check in an hour!" Second: "When it's convenient for you, we can check your homework in an hour or two? Obviously, in the second case, the child will feel his importance, because he was asked. In the first, he was ordered to do this and that within a certain time frame.

It's very easy to build a relationship with anyone. The main thing is to find an individual approach, to let you feel the benefits of what is offered and leave the choice. Another important piece of advice, proven psychologists advise you to always put yourself in the place of the person to whom the request is addressed, information. This will allow you to understand what else needs to be said or done to achieve the goal of communication.

Every person has experienced at least once in his life, unless he voluntarily isolated himself from society. With some people we converge very easily and from communication with them we feel only positive emotions. We cannot talk to others even for a short time, so that the situation does not develop into a conflict, and then resentment and irritation appear. Relations with someone simply do not go well, as if we run into a wall of misunderstanding and alienation, and often even indifference.

If these are casual acquaintances or strangers, of course, you can simply cut off all contacts with them. But what if they are friends, relatives, bosses or subordinates? You can’t just exclude them from your life, you need to build relationships with them.

Start change for the better with yourself

To have fewer unpleasant moments associated with communication, constantly develop and improve as a person. enrich your inner world and bring life wisdom there. Surround yourself with pleasant things, remember the good things and do not keep the negative in your soul.

Learn to explain your position on controversial issues simply and intelligibly, but do it in a way that does not humiliate your opponent's self-esteem. If you have offended you, try to forgive, and sincerely.

Watch how successful relationships are built by others, learn from this experience and put it into practice. Be an example of such behavior and never demand what you cannot yourself. Be tolerant of the shortcomings of others, and yours will be forgiven.

Try to understand the reasons for other people's behavior

It is very easy to blame the other person for everything if normal communication did not work out. Write off the conflict on a terrible character and other imperfections of the personality. In some cases, this is indeed the case. A person is simply weak and is used to raising his self-esteem at the expense of people close and dependent on him.

But most often behind such behavior lies a plea for help, a desire to be heard, fear, self-doubt. Due to life circumstances, people can change and not for the better. Illnesses, stresses, personal experiences often find a way out in emotions and inadequate demands on others. In response to such behavior, a kind of defense mechanism is launched in us - the mind falls silent, feelings wake up. Therefore, develop in yourself the ability to see the true motives of the actions of others, then it will become easier to communicate.

In fact, there can be a great many reasons for relationship problems, each case is individual. A person may simply be brought up in a different environment, have different family values, or not be able to openly express their needs. We are all different and this must be taken into account. Being able to listen in a relationship is important.

If the problem is unsolvable

Is it possible to build a good relationship with anyone? In theory, yes. In practice, this is much more difficult, and sometimes almost impossible. The lack of flexibility of thinking and the desire to compromise can negate all the great undertakings. They will remain a pipe dream if respect is not the foundation of a new relationship. Try to find in a person at least some quality that appeals to you, and this will move the process off the ground.

It is very difficult to find mutual understanding with complete egoists and manipulators. They are accustomed to gaining certain benefits from communication. It does not consist at all in mutual satisfaction, but in obtaining personal preferences. It is impossible to build full-fledged relationships with such people without harm to your health, but it is quite possible to learn to coexist with them.

What will be our relationship with the people around us, depends to a greater extent on ourselves. Therefore, take the first step towards, and be sure - you will succeed.

One of the main features of early adolescence is the change of significant persons and

rebuilding relationships with adults. Adolescence is considered age

unfolding the problem of fathers and children. We and They (adults) is one of the leading themes of youth

reflection, the basis for the formation of a special youth subculture. On the one hand, it keeps its

urgency the need for release from parental control and guardianship - processes are relevant

isolation, the desire to emancipate, to isolate oneself from the influence of the family, to free oneself from

dependencies. This is no longer teenage negativism, but often loyal, but firm detachment

daughter. The inability or unwillingness of parents to accept the autonomy of their children often leads to

conflicts. It is good for everyone if, at the end of their struggle, the boy or girl returns

spiritually renewed with love and trust for their loved ones.

On the other hand, in youth there is a strong tendency to identify with adults. Practically

there is no social or psychological aspect the behavior of young men who would not

associated with family conditions. Among the topics on the basis of which communication itself could be built

community with adults, primarily with parents, are called: choice future profession,

academic affairs, relationships with others, moral problems, hobbies, questions about

themselves and their past, present, future - everything that is connected with life self-determination.

But communication with adults, according to the boys and girls themselves, is possible only if it is

dialogue and trust. Boys and girls strive to be equal with adults and

would like to see them as friends and advisers, not mentors. Since there is an intensive development

"adult" roles and forms of social life, they often need adults, so at this time

one can observe how often young men and women seek advice and friendship from their elders.

At the same time, parents can remain an example, a model of behavior for a long time. Polls

T.N. Malkovskaya found that approximately 70% of boys and girls would like to be like

parents.

In general, at the stage of personalization (according to the periodization of V.I. Slobodchikov), in youth -

a real community partner, with whom everyone identifies personally and in his own way,

becomes a public adult embodied in the system social roles and partially

personified in such cultural positions as Teacher, Master, Mentor, and then -

Consultant, Expert. An adult is valuable and significant, first of all, for his real (and not ideal - as

in a teenager) adulthood, which reveals itself in a meaningful way, reveals itself through the rules,

concepts, principles, ways of organizing activities in all areas of socio-cultural

being - in craft, science, art, religion, morality, law. It is through joining

active forms of adulthood, a person for the first time realizes himself as a potential author of his own

biography, takes personal responsibility for his future, clarifies the boundaries of his

self-identity (self-identification, self-acceptance) within being together with others.

Communication with peers is very important for boys and girls. outside

peer societies, where relationships are built fundamentally on equal footing and status

must be deserved and be able to support, young men and women cannot work out the necessary

independent adult life communicative qualities. At this age, the first

friendly and loving affections of a sufficiently long duration, although mainly

romantic nature. Consciousness of group belonging, solidarity, comradely

mutual assistance not only makes it easier for the teenager and young man to isolate himself from adults, but also gives him

an extremely important sense of emotional well-being and resilience. At the same time, it is in

youth, the need for isolation is aggravated, the desire to protect their unique world from

intrusions of third-party and close people in order to strengthen the sense of personality through reflection,

as a means of maintaining distance when interacting with others allows a young person

"save face" on the emotional and rational level of communication. Appreciated in youth

loneliness - the more independent a boy or girl is and the more acute the need for

self-determination, the stronger his need to be alone.

Communication with peers solves a number of specific tasks: 1) it is a very important

a channel of specific information (which cannot be obtained from adults); 2) it is a specific kind

activities and interpersonal relationships(assimilation of statuses and roles, development of communicative

skills and communication styles); 3) it is a specific type of emotional contact (awareness

group membership, autonomy, emotional well-being and resilience).

Relationships with the outside world, with people around

Relationships with the outside world, with the surrounding people - one of the most important components of success. Everything in the world is interconnected, and how you come into contact with other people determines whether you will achieve your goals. Each of us cannot exist separately from the world, because the world is what nourishes, develops and supports us. In this chapter, we'll explore what "contact with the world" means and how you can build it most effectively to achieve your goals.

Contact is an interaction, an exchange between one person and another, between the environment and the organism. This contact can be satisfying (that is, leading to a result - satisfaction of needs) or unsatisfactory.

Every time we come into contact with another person, we expect something from him and we can give him something in return. In order to realize exactly how your way of contacting the outside world, other people, and find out what can be improved in it, let's do the following exercise.

Exercise

Take a sheet of paper and draw yourself and the people around you in life symbolically, in the form of circles. Draw arrows from you to other people and from them to you. Identify what you are giving to others and what they are giving to you. It can be anything: feelings, objects, phenomena, actions. Label these arrows.

Also draw arrows indicating what you give not to these people, but to the rest the world, and also draw the same signs from other people: what they give not to you, but to other people.

Now look at your drawing and answer the questions, and write the answers in your notebook:

* With whom and how do you contact: with whom more, with whom less?

* Who do you get more from? From whom - less?

* To whom do you give more? And who - less?

* What do you have in common, what patterns do you see?

* Do you avoid contact with anyone? Why? Did you want to contact someone? Why?

* Do you avoid anyone's desire to contact you? Why?

* Did you want anyone else to contact you?

* Are you getting everything you need from others?

* Are you able to give to environment everything you want to give and everything you don't need?

Now draw a long line of contact needs, one end of which corresponds to complete avoidance of contact, and the other to a complete and continuous desire for contact.

Answer the following questions and write the answers in your notebook:

Where will you place yourself on this line?

By what signs of your life and events do you know that you are exactly in this place of this line?

Where would you like to be located?

By what signs will you be able to know that you have arrived at what you would like to achieve?

Our ways of contacting depend primarily on what we need and how we need it. For example, if you need to be loved and respected by EVERYONE, chances are you build your connection in one of the following ways:

Method 1. Rescuer.

The rescuer constantly takes care of others (relatives, friends, colleagues, subordinates and others), tries to help everyone solve their problems and tasks, sympathizes with and worries everyone, is always loaded with work and care. At the same time, from time to time (about once a month) she gets terribly upset when she herself is denied even in small things. The rescuer tries to earn her “need” from other people, expecting love from everyone in return. He does not tolerate criticism addressed to him, each time indignant: “I am everything for you, but you don’t love me!”

Method 2. Shy.

The shy woman is silent in the company, does not risk "sticking out" with her point of view, deep down she is convinced that she is nobody and nothing, and everything around - prominent people. Avoids conflicts and contacts due to the fact that it seems to her that her problems are insignificant compared to the starving children in Africa, and her achievements are insignificant compared to the achievements of her immediate environment.

Method 3. Star.

The star is never satisfied with herself, while she achieves a lot. There are always a lot of fans and friends around her, but she does not believe in the sincerity of their warm feelings and tries to achieve even more in order to prove to herself that she can be loved and respected. If she fails to become the center of attention at least once a week, she feels terrible, falls into depression. She is convinced that since this week she did not manage to “star”, it means that there is not enough meaning in life and no one loves her. Her need for love is insatiable. She constantly sees a huge delta between herself, as it seems to her, real, and the ideal picture of herself. And when she manages to gather a huge crowd of people meditating on her, she says: “YES! The delta is zero!”, but then for some reason people go about their business, and the difference between her ideal and what she thinks is her real “I” grows catastrophically, and then she gets very angry: “Where you traitors go?! And what about me?"

All three methods described above run into the same illusion - the illusion that all people should treat you well and that the attitude of other people towards you is in yours, and not in their power.

It is impossible for EVERYONE to love you. If you are aware of this, then there is no need:

a) take on a huge number of other people's affairs in order to feel needed by "everyone";

b) sitting in a corner (instead of socializing) at the risk of seeing that "everyone" doesn't like you;

c) gather stadiums around you to make sure that you are loved by "everyone", spending a lot of effort on this.

If the praises lavished by friends sometimes give reason to doubt their sincerity, then the envy of enemies deserves full confidence.

K. Immerman

If you realize that you need the love of not "everyone", but of a specific person, then you come into contact with people differently - more fruitfully, with less effort and with specific goals. Such goals can be: getting a service, a mutually interesting project or activity, an exchange of opinions about anything, and just spending time together at the cinema or in the garden. Ultimately, contact is also an opportunity. divide with someone your life, your needs, your hobbies, interests, affairs and feelings.

Psychologists have established how a person who wants to borrow money from you behaves: his look is friendly, his face is open, his hand is slightly extended forward, he has a gun in it.

In familiar situations, the necessary emotions are triggered directly, as directly and naturally as raising a hand: to raise (or lower) right hand, You do not need special techniques and tricks. You just raise your hand and you just put it down. It is just as easy for you to be surprised when you need it, and you exchange surprise for warm attentiveness when attentiveness is needed.

The most important "recipe" is so simple that it even irritates many: "To remove an unnecessary emotion, just remove the wrong face. Correct your eyes and lips. The main thing is to do it right away, while the emotion has not yet unfolded."

AT large numbers situations, people control their emotions without noticing how they do it, even if they use special emotion keys to start or stop emotions. The simplest and most effective key of emotions is facial expression and body drawing: if guests come to you and you need to express your sincere joy to them, you begin to joyfully greet them, take care of them carefully, you will probably hug them, and your face will be alive, warm and open: almost immediately after this, you already feel sincere joy.

Most people explain this by saying it's "because people are nice" without realizing that the real reason is that they trigger kinesthetic emotion cues and exchange positive emotions with the guests, supporting and spinning each other.

On the contrary, the indignation that has begun, until it is hyped, is easy to remove only by relaxing your face, exhaling, lowering the volume of your statements, softening your wording and, especially, your intonations. Whoever wants, he will always find ways to raise or change his mood, remove unnecessary emotion or set himself up for this or that business. Meet friends, turn on upbeat music, go shopping, just get some sleep... - a lot of household and at the same time effective ways known to everyone. In addition to everyday ways to change your condition, there are many special exercises. These are autogenic training, emotion intensity management, Aliev's Key and many others. However, in order to manage one's own state, in most cases one does not need knowledge of special techniques, but the timely and careful use of the arsenal that is known to everyone and always at hand. The main thing is desire and training.

Emotion management should not be presented as a particularly difficult task, but it should not be simplified either. In fact, not everyone knows how to manage their emotions, and not all emotions can be controlled in principle. Ability to control oneself in difficult situations life situations- a separate task requiring special knowledge.

The task of controlling emotions usually turns out to be difficult precisely because it is set by people who have already missed the moment when an emotion arises, who did not prevent this occurrence, who did not prevent the actions of other people who created these emotions for them. At the same time, if a person moves into a more active, leadership position and launches his own and other people's emotions himself before the waves of other people's emotions pour over him, he no longer needs to control his own emotions. He got ahead of himself and manages the situation himself.

Whether or not a person can control his emotions is easy for a specialist to determine just by looking at his body. If a person’s body is collected and at the same time calm, most likely the person owns his emotions. If the body is loose, the arms and legs and facial expression wander randomly and as if of their own free will (this happens), the person most likely is not used to monitoring and controlling his emotions. It is even worse if the body is very tense, when there is a general tightness in the body or the body “rattles”.

Emotion keys don't always work. For this technique to have an effect, you first need to put yourself in a neutral state. How to do it? The easiest option is to focus on the process of your breathing. Slow it down by holding it after a deep, slow exhalation for a few seconds...

In the presence of an initially neutral background, the necessary emotions and emotional states are easily triggered by the Key of Remembrance: the recollection of a similar situation in the past. If you remember the past situation in detail and experience it, see the picture, people and faces, hear the words spoken there, remember your breath and feelings there - the former then also pops up. emotional condition.

If you need to experience an emotion that was not in your experience (or you cannot remember the corresponding situation from the past), the desired emotion can be created with the keys of Speech (words), Thought (Image) and Body (Facial expressions and pantomimics). You need to speak the desired inner text, see the appropriate picture of the world and create facial expressions associated with emotion (sometimes it’s enough just to imagine it).

For example, if it is difficult for you to create a state of dull obedience, it is enough to imagine an endless black tunnel along which you are walking, your head forward and down, your neck as if under a yoke, your eyes frozen in one point where there is nothing, and the inner text “What is will, what is bondage - doesn't matter…"

Emotion keys fall into the following categories:

Key "Picture of the World"

Focus: What you pay attention to is what you see. Fix your attention on the fact that you are a confident, calm and strong person - you will be confident, calm and strong. List your mistakes and weaknesses- Lose self-confidence.

A picture of the situation: what you remember, what you imagine - that will be before your eyes.

Metaphor.

The meaning of what is happening. If you are sure that you are owed, and not given, resentment is possible. Otherwise, no.

To enter a joyful state, focus on the joyful events in your life. Remember all the best things that make you happy today. Recall all your successful, joyful moments lately. Think intently about it, imagining it in every detail.

Key "Text"

Suggestions, phrases with intonation. I am calm and confident. Every day my business is getting better and better...

Key "Music"

Tempo, melody… Try to mourn under the thundering march - either cheer up, or turn off the march so that it does not interfere.

Key "Kinesthetics"

Everything related to the body: breathing, relaxation, posture, facial expressions, expressive movements, etc. Go to the gym, load yourself properly and try to be sad. Most likely, you will fall asleep from fatigue, but you will not be sad. See →

Using Keys

The list of interchangeable emotional states can be formed independently, for various tasks, or you can use ready-made selections. For a general warm-up, use "Self-confidence, Angry indignation ...", for relaxation, it is better to alternate paired states such as Admiration - sadness. For the strength of mental muscles, train "Victory-Defeat-Aggression-Love", for the ability to switch your emotional state, gymnastics "Enlightened and Commandos" will be useful.

In terms of time, emotional gymnastics takes about 5-10 minutes, depending on the number of emotions in the list. As a result of classes, you will improve emotional expressiveness, your mood will increase, your day will become more energetic and interesting. Worth trying!